Fragments of my Story
When I was twenty years old my heart, speech, body, and mind were broken. I had a high degree vertebral sliding which caused huge pain. Therefore, my journey of becoming a professional freeride skier ended before it really started. At the same time my girlfriend left me. I had strong blockages in speaking for which I felt tremendous shame and experienced social anxiety. This dark night of the soul lasted for about two years.
The Turning Point
Then the very risky spinal operation went much better then expected. After the recovery I was eager to experience love, joy and freedom without destroying my self with extreme sports or taking drugs.This longing brought me on my search for healing, love and truth.
Connecting with Trees, Opening my Heart
The inner journey started with immersing myself in a forest, connecting with the trees, letting my roots grow deep into the earth and opening my mind vast into the sky. Tears of joy flowed while being in resonance with myself and the environment while practicing loving kindness meditation. During that same period I studied psychology, but found that I was experiencing social anxiety, blocks in speaking and strong fear of speaking in front of people.
A Remarkable Meeting
Then, when I was 23 years old, I meet Sumiran, a teacher of Zen and Qi Gong. In our first meeting I felt strong lightning in my heart. My mind became totally silent. Everything was shining. I saw myself in everything there were no boundaries. There was only love, peace and oneness. After that my social anxiety was gone. I felt free and at ease. This experience lasted for about two weeks, then slowly my fearful and shameful parts came back but I knew that deep inside myself I am this Peace. I am this vast open loving Presence.
The Love for Practice
After that first strong opening into pure loving presence, I was eager to explore ways to come home into my heart. I studied with great teachers from different traditions. I rejoiced practicing Qi gong and Meditation in the forest, being moved by the universe, in oneness with creation, feeling the sun shining in my heart.
The pain of not being able to share my Heart
After some time, connecting with loving presence, became easier and easier and the deep wish to share this beautiful experience arose. However, I was not able to step out into the world and share myself and those beautiful methods freely because a part of me was afraid of speech blockages and judgements.
The Pearl hidden in every Experience
This lead me on a quest to find my free voice and authentic expression. On that journey, I meet Nukunu, a true master of the direct approach and non dual therapy. The direct approach, means to find our essential nature in the core of every experience, even in the most painful ones. It means to totally accept ourself as we are, to relax into our fear, sadness or grief, allowing it be as it is and sensing into its center. Finding pure loving presence in the midst of my fears, sadness and childhood traumas was tremendously freeing.
Meetings in the Heart of Presence
Another important aspect in finding my authentic expression is connecting from loving presence, meeting in the heart. Being in resonance with each other without any agenda, open to what is. In that shared space of loving awareness everything can show up and feels seen and heard. This spontaneous dance of shared presence often serves as a portal into pure being and oneness, and is also the heart of Presence oriented Psychotherapy.
Hope and Fear
Then my girlfriend Rocio got severely ill. At that moment, I was in India, so I traveled home as fast as I could, being tormented by fear that Rocio will die and hope that she will recover. When my plane landed in munich, I received the message that I should come as fast as possible to the hospital because it was time to say goodby. When I entered the hospital all my fear and pain fell off me. I was pure love and could spent the last two hours holding Rocio in my arms, in a cocoon of love.
Love does not know Death
The pain in my heart after my girlfriend Rocio passed away was immense. Knifes were piercing my heart. It felt like Rocio was carving her place to live into my heart. I could not do anything but welcome my pain and gently breathe the pain into my heart. Being in oneness with my pain, a channel opened up right through the pain, and I fell deep into my heart, into the ever-shining sun in my heart, into love and light. Love does not know death.
When the impossible becomes possible
Opening my heart in hell, embracing my grief, finding love and openness in my pain ignited a powerful transformation and healing. A few months after Rocio passed away, a small miracle started to happen. I overcame my life-long fear of public speaking, and fear of stuttering, which held me back from sharing myself and my heart totally. The former so feared experience of facilitating groups became effortless and easy. Now, I am totally at ease and free, grounded in loving presence, while facilitating classes and hosting retreats, sharing ways to come home into our heart. It is such a delight for me to be in my heart, sharing what I love and seeing people coming home into their hearts, into love, joy, and silence.